Christmas Jokes

[Special Care]

We all need a laugh, now more than ever.

Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------

After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."

"Oh no! How did he react?"

"He fired you."

"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

[Vernon Pugh]

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

[True Blue]

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

[Special Care]

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?- Hide quoted text -
- Show quoted text -

---------------

I think you have a hidden agenda, sourpuss.

[DVH]

Post by True Blue

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

[True Blue]

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

[DVH]

Post by True Blue

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

Not too good - she went of her own accord.

[Mentalguy2k8]

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

Not too good - she went of her own accord.

Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf.

[Westprog]

...

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Vernon Pugh
did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc,
soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

Not too good - she went of her own accord.

My mother-in-law is such a bad driver she crossposted to 5 newsgroups.

[j***@hushmail.com]

Post by Westprog
...

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Vernon Pugh
did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc,
soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

Not too good - she went of her own accord.

My mother-in-law is such a bad driver she crossposted to 5 newsgroups.

My mother-in-law is in the KKK - she posted crosses to 5 newsgroups.

[onlyme]

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by DVH

Post by True Blue

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"

Post by Special Care
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

What's funny about that?

I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.

Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?

Not too good - she went of her own accord.

So this nigger walks into a club....no sorry, it was a truncion!

[John Bennett]

"Vernon Pugh" <***@hotmail.com> wrote

did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish

Why not?
You did:-))

[Mike]

On Tue, 16 Dec 2008 06:15:25 -0800 (PST), Special Care

Post by Special Care
We all need a laugh, now more than ever.

<snip the crappest 'joke' ever>

You are Gina Yashere and I claim my five pounds


--

[Special Care]

===========
CANDLES
===========

Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
other and said:

'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'

The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.

'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'

'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'

'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'

Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.

'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.

But.......

The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
sergeant slipped the handcuffs on his wrists, and the captain yelled:
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'

The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'

'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.

'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'

[DVH]

Post by Special Care
===========
CANDLES
===========
Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'
The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.
'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'
'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'
'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'
Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.
'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.
But.......
The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'
The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'
'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.
'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'

So what happened then?

[Westprog]

Post by DVH

Post by Special Care
===========
CANDLES
===========
Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'
The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.
'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'
'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'
'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'
Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.
'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.
But.......
The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'
The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'
'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.
'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'

So what happened then?

"Candles out, sisters."

[Special Care]

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam [Sin City] and is feeling very
ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to
undergo a series of tests.

He wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the
phone beside his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the
results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely
contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes,"
explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what treatment are you
going to give me?"

"Well, first we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and
pitta bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me, Doc?" he enquires anxiously.

"No, but it's the only type of food we can shove under the door."

=====================================================

[Special Care]

A patient says to his doctor,
"Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I
can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient,
"You know what?, I used to have the same problem as you, and whenever
I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal,
gives me a foot massage, licks my nipples and ......... well (smiles
sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It
worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house, Doc!"

[Meta]

Post by Special Care
A patient says to his doctor,
"Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I
can't think straight! I need help!"
The doctor says to his patient,
"You know what?, I used to have the same problem as you, and whenever
I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal,
gives me a foot massage, licks my nipples and ......... well (smiles
sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It
worked!"
The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"
"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house, Doc!"

That's great! Have you ever seen the movie, "What About Bob?" with
Bill Murrary? You gotta see it!

[John Bennett]

Post by Special Care
A patient says to his doctor,
"Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I
can't think straight! I need help!"
The doctor says to his patient,
"You know what?, I used to have the same problem as you, and whenever
I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal,
gives me a foot massage, licks my nipples and ......... well (smiles
sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It
worked!"
The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"
"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house, Doc!"

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
To celebrate Louis Hamilton winning the drivers' championship.McaVities are
bringing out a new biscuit covered in light brown chocolate and depicting
Louis head.
It will be in the shops for Xmas just look out for Wogon
Wheels,allegedly:-))

[Lou Ravi]

Post by Westprog
"Candles out, sisters."

In the same (awful) vein (and to be spoken rather than read) "where's
the soap?", "yes it does doesn't it".

[Special Care]

Post by Lou Ravi

Post by Westprog
"Candles out, sisters."

In the same (awful) vein (and to be spoken rather than read) "where's
the soap?", "yes it does doesn't it".

--------------

I admit I'm not sure what you mean by the above. I'm a bit slow
sometimes.

--------------
==============================
The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in
the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept
there.

"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no
women, and sir, sometimes the men have... urges. That's why we have
the camel, sir."

The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this disgraceful
practice, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the captain starts missing his wife and having a
real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain
stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. When he
is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel
into town and park him outside the brothel."

[Special Care]

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until
I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever
asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

[eugene]

Post by Special Care
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.
She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until
I can have sex again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever
asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

The other doctor said, "It depends on whether you have a private room or
not"

[Special Care]

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers...

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[John Bennett]

Post by Special Care
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers...
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

ROTFLOL!

Way to go General, way to go:-))))))

[Special Care]

I Wanna Be Weighed!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she
seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the
weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was
absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to
do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

"Phew, I really got the Ice Maiden tonight," thought the young man to
himself, and using some excuse, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

[Special Care]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini -

"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he
stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500
IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"

[John Bennett]

Post by Special Care
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he
stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500
IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"

When will I ever learn NOT to be drinking snortable coffee:-)))?

[Special Care]

A drunk gets on to a bus and, pointing along the aisle between the
seats, starts yelling,
"From here to the right everybody is an arsehole! From here to the
left, everybody is a son of a bitch!"

One angry passenger stands and replies "Wait a minute! I am not an
arsehole!"

The drunk shouts back, "So move to the other side then!"

[Vernon Pugh]

Post by Special Care
===========
CANDLES
===========
Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'
The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.
'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'
'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'
'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'
Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.
'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.
But.......
The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'
The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'
'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.
'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'

My newsreader is acting up; I am missing the punchline here or
something.
Was there more to this joke?

[DVH]

Post by Special Care
===========
CANDLES
===========
Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'
The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.
'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'
'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'
'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'
Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.
'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.
But.......
The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'
The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'
'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.
'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'
My newsreader is acting up; I am missing the punchline here or
something.
Was there more to this joke?

It's an advent joke. You get a little bit each day, then he delivers the
punchline on the 25th.

[Special Care]

GOD CAN'T BE A MAN:

Feminists / Womens Liberation campaigners say God is a woman.

I asked a radical feminist to prove to me that God is a woman.

She replied:

"It's simple; if God were a man, then men's cocks would be on their
chins."

[Special Care]

A doctor says to his patient, Paddy, "I've got good news and I've got
bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."

"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Paddy asks.

"The good news is I think you're really cute, Paddy boy."

[Special Care]

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[Special Care]

Post by Special Care
A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[Special Care]

A lady goes to the dentist.

The dentist lowers her into the reclining position and asks her to
open her mouth wide.

"Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out for you!" says the
dentist.

"Oh no sir, I can't stand the pain. I'd rather have a baby !!!" cries
the lady.

The dentist replied:
"As you wish, madam, but first I will have to adjust the chair for
us."

[Old Jinglebollocks]

AUTOMATION / REDUNDNACY:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My boss replaced me with a computer / my wife replaced me with a .....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux

She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."

So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and
realistic!"

They soon told the aul' Duchess of
Fyfe,
An' her crony, the Alderman's wife;
And they found it so
pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their
life.

It was tried by the grand Mrs Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go
fiddle!"
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche, and a diddle."

It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for me
arsehole."

It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a layman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."

Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it.

Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard
Salique,
Thou shalt purchase - complet avec talic
-
Pour soixante francs cinq
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur
Hydraulique.

[Special Care]

Muriel said to Agatha:
"I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist
yet!"

Agatha replied:
"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

Muriel said:
"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is
so old, and he seems to be an alcoholic!"

Agatha answered with a smile,
"Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

[Special Care]

============================

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, virginal and pure, untarnished with the sins
of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through an
unsavoury part of town on the way to the reception.

"Oh, Cedric, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh Emily, don't look, they're just street women who hire their bodies
out for sex at fifty pounds a time."

The bride replied:
"Wow, fifty pounds! The priests only gave us a bar of chocolate !"

[Special Care]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with
me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he
got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old
guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[Special Care]

John and Marie were in church on Sunday with their families.

While the swindlers were taking up the collection, John leaned forward
and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the
finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at
Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Well, John was taken aback a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his
car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd
risked a rebuff twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose by
trying just one more time.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel
with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn and drove back
to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in
the bed, looking so virginal and pure, and was wracked with guilt
feelings about what he and she had done the night before.

"What have I done to this holy, decent and pure Christian girl?
thought John.

When she woke up, he said:
"Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, "What are you going to tell
your Sunday School class about last night?"

Marie said,
"The same thing I always tell them....

...........You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

[Special Care]

Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday
morning.

A woman comes in and is browsing around. She sees a pink dildo on a
shelf and ask the price.
"$12.95," he said.

She bought it and left the store.

Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty
blue one on the back wall.
"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.
He said, "$25.00."
"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.
"Well, it has a vibrator in it."
She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She
paid for it and left the store, too.

He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when
another woman walked in the door.
She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green
with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."
He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"
She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."
He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the
shop and went home.

His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"
He said, "I sold my thermos flask for $150.00!"

[Special Care]

A huge big fat woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, as thick as a wrestler's thigh, revealing a
huge, hairy armpit, as she points to all the men at the bar and
demands:
"Which of you is man enough to buy this lady a drink?"

The bar goes deathly silent as the drinkers try to ignore her. But
down at the end of the bar, a retired old drunken sailor slams his
hand down on the bar and bellows,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman disposes of it in one
gulp.

She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and demands:
"Which of you is man enough to buy this lady a drink?"

Once again the same old seaman slapped his money down on the bar and
said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the old drunk and said,
"Look, mister, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high, and with no knickers on,
has got to be a ballerina."

[Special Care]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to
classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good
morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this
morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue
the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She
greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of
the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she
had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed
to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile
on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary.
I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you
today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that
you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[Special Care]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to lick the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this
would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as
the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for
the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a
hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared
less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this
matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underpants, front and back. The King
immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.

[Special Care]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy
weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and
many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The barman says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The barman is puzzled.

"Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth!"

The proud Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over the bar and
proudly announces: "...had him circumcised."

[Special Care]

Honest Joe was walking along by the shore one morning looking for
stray oysters, when he heard a shout from the water.

A big fat Texan billionaire had gone for an early morning swim and had
got into trouble.

Honest Joe dived in and pulled the Texan to the shore.

The Texan stood up and said:

"Son, you've saved my life. I'm going to reward you. Tell me what you
want, and I'll make it happen. I'm from Texas."

Honest Joe replied:

"It was no trouble, sir. I was happy to help. I don't want any
reward."

The Texan bellowed:

"No, I insist. You saved my life. I'll give you anything you ask
for."

Honest Joe replied:

"Well, if you really insist, I suppose it's no harm to get a little
gift. My friends keep inviting me to play golf, so I guess I'd like to
have a set of golf clubs."

"Done!" bellowed the Texan, and after getting Joe's phone number, he
slapped him on the back and walked away.

A few days later, Honest Joe's phone rang, and it was the Texan on the
other end.

"Hey Joe," he said, "Look, I've bought a dozen golf clubs for you, but
I'm sorry to have to tell you that three of them don't have shower
rooms and massage parlours."

[Special Care]

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all
four nuns die. They get in line and ring the bell at the gate of
Heaven and wait for St. Peter to inspect them.

St. Peter opens the gate and says, "Oh yes, I heard about you. I
realize that you are Holy Sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if
you have anything to confess to me, that might make you unworthy of
entering Heaven."

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went whispered
sheepishly in St. Peter's ear:
"I once touched a man's penis with this finger."

St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was in the line
of duty. Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around."

She did as she was instructed and St Peter raised the barrier and she
was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and whispered, "I once touched a
man's genitals with my entire right hand."

Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within
your duties. Swirl your hand in that holy water and I'll let you in."

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun.

St. Peter was confused by this.
"How come you cut in front of this Sister? I thought you nuns were
very polite."

The 4th nun replied,
"I just wanted to ask if I could gargle with that holy water before
she soaks her arse in it!"

[Special Care]

Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

[Prai Jei]

Special Care set the following eddies spiralling through the space-time

Post by Special Care
Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

Don't understand the thread. What is Viagra?